Church Mission Society - Yes Magazine. Oct-Dec 2001. '...He doesn't need heroes.'

October - December 2001

October - December 2001 main | Yes main page

'...He doesn't need heroes.'

Lilli Schuele is a CMS Make A Difference participant who has recently had to return from Central Asia, where she was teaching mission partners children.

I've been back here four weeks now. I teach my students, do a bit of housekeeping, live a very normal life. Perhaps it is a little difficult for you to imagine how anyone can live 'normally' in this environment but that is truly the case. Materially I have everything I need, can do my work without any interference, have the opportunity to play volleyball and go on a hike every now and then. The temperatures are very pleasant; I can walk barefoot and buy watermelons at the market.

Spring has been beautiful here. I have never before appreciated green grass and trees as much as here. When I arrived last Fall, the blistering summer sun had scorched everything; that's why this Spring has been such a precious gift to me. In our garden there are even some rose bushes blooming, which seems like an unheard-of luxury. So much beauty and abundance in a barren country like this! We also had a little rain, which caused great joy, but there's still not been enough to produce a harvest this year. Please continue to pray about that.

We expect the stream of refugees who try to escape from the fighting in the north as well as from the drought to continue to flood into the capital. There is a lot being done to help them but the need is so overwhelming that it is only possible to help a fraction of them. Please continue to pray about the maintenance of that ministry.

Have I ever told you how much I appreciate the team here? In the capital there are about 50 adults and 30 kids from 20 different nations. Church backgrounds are very different and of course we face the challenge of not only coping with the local culture but also with the clash of the cultures from which we come. That creates tension as well as fascinating variety.

A few team members have been here for 20 or even 30 years and have lived through many difficult times. Others are 'short-termers' like myself. There are surgeons, physiotherapists, ophthalmic technicians, mechanics, engineers, teachers, nurses, etc. You can imagine the richness of experience embodied in the team.

Lilli Schuele supervising a class

Over the last weeks I have battled with the question of whether I should come back here after my summer break. My thanks to all who have prayed for me during the decision-making process. I decided to return here for another four months, that is until just before Christmas. My decision to return is based mainly on the feeling that I am not finished here, that I have not yet learned all I should learn and done all I should do.

During struggles like that I am overwhelmed time and again by the privilege and responsibility of being able to make decisions.

It is such a gift that I can choose what I want to do and where I want to live. So many people don't have any freedom to choose, whether because of economic or cultural circumstances or because of the government to which they have to submit. Privileged as I am, I am dependent on God's wisdom and guidance, and I know that such is the case in your lives as well.

Loving the average person

There's one more thing I would like to mention before I return to Europe in a few weeks' time. I am a bit concerned that people have attributed some characteristics to me that I don't possess. I am enjoying the privilege of living in an unusual country, yet that doesn't mean at all that I am particularly courageous or sacrificial or spiritual. Especially as far as my inner life with God is concerned, the time here has often been dry and heavy going.

Yes, I have experienced God here and I know and love him more than before I came, but I am very far from dwelling on some special spiritual mountain peak. On the contrary, I have realised here how much egoism and indifference towards others there still is in me; I cannot lay claim to caring ceaselessly for the people at my door. That's why I would ask you not to put me on some sort of pedestal or hang a sign around my neck. I am still the same Lilli that you know, only perhaps with fewer illusions about my capacity to love people.

But that is the great thing about God: he doesn't need heroes. He loves people who are normal and average, who have their doubts and inner wounds, who make mistakes and are confused and are in need of forgiveness. God loves and uses normal people. There is no other sort anyway.

"God loves and uses normal people. There is no other sort anyway."

A slow transformation

Often I have struggled here with feelings of failure and guilt because whatever I did or gave, it never seemed enough. For every beggar to whom I give some food, there are five others whom I send away. Each person whose rude words and insulting stares I am able to forgive is out-weighed by 10 others whom I hate for what they do.

Do you see what I mean? It is simply impossible to be 'good'. How grateful I am that I don't have to prove anything to God and that I don't have to earn his acceptance. He knows me, receives me and loves me as I am. I am justified in his eyes because Jesus has carried my sins and failures to the cross. Without Jesus I have no chance of escaping the voices in me that accuse me of my failure. So I repeat my request: have mercy towards me and towards each other. Every one of us is no more and no less than God's friend, whom he slowly transforms into the image of his Son.

For more information about the CMS Make A Difference programme, which offers you insight into, and experience of, mission through a balance of learning and service, email info@cms-uk.org.